As a child I was always fascinated by what I know now to be femininity and womanhood. My fondest childhood memories were filled with television ads of 90’s supermodels modeling for L’oreal, Cover Girl, Revlon in colourful body hugging dresses. They would play up for a camera that clearly loved them (that I now understand to be the male gaze).
My mind was young, impressionable and newly forming and I was watching the unfolding of powerful ideas packed into every lipstick, mascara and nail polish. Smiles and pouts and flying kisses taught me not only was lipstick long lasting but I wanted it, I needed it, it is going to be a part of me. I learned from a very young age that a single swipe of lipstick could contribute to a single boost of self-esteem and have men falling in love. At a very early age a mystique around what it means to be a woman was being curated for me and I was showing up for it.
I loved when my mom would get dressed up. I’d watch her comb her waist long black hair. Observing her as she magically twisted and turned her long locks into a neatly tied bun, pinning it with 3-4 bobby pins so that it wouldn’t move. My eyes would be fixated at her mirror image as she applied Revlon pink lipstick. I wanted to rub my finger on the tip of the lipstick and apply it to my lips but I knew doing so would get me into trouble.
I couldn’t wait to become a “woman” and find out for myself just how it is done! I wanted to feel it, I wanted to be it, I wanted to live it.
Fast forward say 30 years, I am living it and it is damn exhausting! It just feels like a constant battle between how I want to be for myself and how I want others to see me.
One is not born, but becomes, a woman – Simone de Beauvoir
Simone de Beauvoir argued that woman does not have a pre determined “essence”. There is no one way that women “have to be”, there is no ideal that all women must conform to. What it means to be woman is socially constructed by men, it is constructed based on how men want women to look. Ideals of what men want women to be largely deny women action and thought. Instead of being subjects who participate in the world freely with the power to act and transform the material conditions of their lives, women are reduced to pure objects, pure immanence by men. There has been one thing that women have been encouraged by men to be and that is a passive object, their bodies are to be emphasized, beautified and displayed.
It is through all the expectations and assumptions by other people that woman becomes “feminine” but Beauvoir doesn’t deny that women have agency!
She would argue that women do not need to be complicit in the standard of beauty that causes them appearance related issues and makes them feel like they will never be perfect or beautiful. In fact, women have the power, agency and the right to reject femininity and define it for themselves. Women are not victims of this system, they have a personal responsibility to struggle against this ideal standard of beauty that encourages them to shave, pluck, wax, apply, reapply, colour, change and decorate themselves.
Now I am confronted with this question, given that I can choose not to, why do I choose to wear lipstick?
Is choosing to wear lipstick an exercise of my freedom? I would say yes because no one is holding a gun to my head. I have the option of not wearing it too. I ricochet between feeling that I wear it for myself and that I am wearing it for others.
I can honestly say that I would rather be wearing lipstick than not be wearing it. I like how a little bit of colour makes me glow. What does this say about me when I can reject participating in this beauty practice that has been set up in the world before I was born but choose not to? Am I by virtue of applying lipstick being complicit in the patriarchal definition of the beautiful? I like how I look in lipstick. Does that mean that I like what I see in the mirror only because my experience is co-determined by a common sense assumption of beauty standards from “out there” that I unreflectively bring to my experience of myself? (C. Knowles)
First and foremost, let us examine how I and many other women became aware of our looks and care for how we look. Let us look into why women become pre-occupied by their outward appearance. Where does it all begin?
Beauvoir writes that it is not possible for one to be for one’s self an other and to recognize ones self consciously as object (page 630). An individual cannot be for themselves both self and the other. They cannot recognize themselves consciously as object without there existing an other to make themselves be “seen” which would make them conscious of their subjectivity and objectivity. The existence of the other is important for self awareness.
When a little girl plays with her doll she dresses the doll, she does the doll’s hair, she has tea time with the doll, she talks to the doll. The little girl begins to feel attached to this doll who is other to her, when she alters the doll she identifies with it. She can see herself as subject and the doll as an object, an object that she “works on” is an extension of herself.
When the little girl becomes an adolescent, the doll is replaced with a mirror. The image of herself that she sees in the mirror is identified as her ego and this is where she as a subject becomes aware of her subjectivity and objectivity. She feels herself as object is her mirror reflection that looks at her, when her reflection “captures her” subjectivity and makes her feel like an object she has understanding of her objectification. A handsome man says Beauvoir suggests transcendence (freedom to go beyond) because he is the “main” subject while woman is passive. According to Beauvoir women’s beauty is meant to catch the eye of the man, woman is meant to be “captured”. Her mirror image is capturing her curiosity and making her aware of her being and how it can be improved or enhanced to
capture” someone else’s eyes.
It has sometimes been maintained that narcissism is a fundamental attitude of all women…the fact is that narcissism is a well-defined process of identification, in which the ego is regarded as an absolute end and the subject takes refuge from himself in it (page 629).
The reality of man is that he builds homes and clears forests, and cures diseases and fulfills himself through projects “outside” of him. He is constantly transcending himself through his work, which means he is exerting his creativity and power, he is being productive by extending outwards into the universe. Women on the other hand have historically not worked outside of the home. They are not seen to be transforming their material world like men are. Women’s work which entails taking care of the house and raising children is not considered transformative in nature therefore women are not constantly transcending themselves in the same way that men are. Women exist in this closed off realm where women are interior, passive and immersed in themselves. Furthermore women are not receiving recognition as an individual through her work as a wife, mother and house keeper (page 630) and therefore women have historically been forced to find their reality in another way, in the immanence of their person (page 629). Instead of transcending themselves in their work, women transcend themselves into themselves and in particular their ego (their mirror reflection that looks back at them).
“A man who acts must necessarily size himself up. Ineffective, isolated, women can neither find her place nor take her own measure; she gives herself supreme importance because no object of importance is accessible to her. She can thus offer herself to her own desires” (page 630). Because woman cannot find her place in the world as the internal world has been assigned to her and she is not extending herself outwards in the universe, she has nothing to measure herself up to. It’s not like she can say “wow I cleared 100 trees today while the other workers only did 80!” Since she is not measuring herself up to something external to her she gives herself importance, she becomes her own project. She puts work into herself, she transforms herself by first identifying with herself.
The Narcissist, Beauvoir argues sees herself as both as a subject and object but cannot be joined as a whole. She writes that women feel themselves as objects ever since childhood. Little girls are dressed in pretty frocks, told to sit down quietly like “good girls” and not take up space. They are told that they are “pretty” instead of strong and capable. In puberty her body is revealed to her as passive and “desirable”. It is something she can touch, her body is something that she can contemplate with a lover’s eye (page 630). Women never really “see” themselves as whole quite like men do. They are always passive, waiting to be “seen” and always require “work”.
Having an understanding of the origins of the development of female narcissism and self awareness is important, I relate to the the psychology which is rooted in not feeling grounded in the world in the same way that men are and having to identify with my ego, my mirror reflection and maintain that image that I see that I constantly compare with everyone around me. Even from a very early age I knew women are sought after for their beauty. I knew men chase and women attract, I began to have a general understanding through my participation in the world that men take up space while women are confined to a certain space and that men and women behave differently in body language, speech and temperament. My relationship with myself and where I get my self importance and the origins of my self esteem feels like it is coming from “out there” (which it is) but at the same time with lived experience I also began taking control defining it for myself. I believe that my decision to wear lipstick is rooted in self presentation and preservation and even the development of my female identity.
Self-presentation involves conscious or unconscious behaviors to control self-relevant images conveyed to an audience (Schlenker, 2003). Self presentation matters and there is an entire theory behind it. It is natural to want other people to see us in a certain way because an opinion can be formed about you within a split second and can have an affect on your future. We generally want people to see us as likeable, confident, competent, someone who knows what they are doing and where they are going even if we actually don’t feel like any of those things on the inside. The impression we are motivated to give to others has a subjective goal attached such as to get a good job, find a mate or raise self esteem (feel good). So whether it be consciously or unconsciously we make the decision to look and act in ways to get people to see ourselves the way that we would like to be seen because there is something in it for us. We dress and act in ways that present ourselves to other people in a favorable light depending on the situation that we are in. Newsweek columnist Jessica Bennett said “In this economy looking good isn’t just vanity, its economic survival.”
When you look good on the outside you will feel good on the inside. And it can also be that when you feel good on the outside you then you will look good on the outside. It works both ways! The way that you feel does have an effect on your appearances and attractiveness and how confident you feel does affect your ability to influence others.
When I wear lipstick I am projecting confidence (even on a day that I don’t feel confident), it does make me look less washed out and more alive and more convincing to others. To men, I might catch their eye more with lipstick than without because I appear more radiant, I stand out. In a social setting I may appear like I am excited to be there because I have a bit of lipstick on because it projects the idea that I made effort. The way I look affects how the world interacts with me and now I interact with the world and I am aware of this when I pick up the lipstick.
My experience of myself growing up was determined for me by a common sense assumption of beauty standards from “out there” that I was unreflectingly bringing to the experience I have of myself. That is a 100% true. That is why I bought all these products. When I saw my bare face without makeup I was experiencing myself as dull or incomplete and exposed, and felt that I shouldn’t leave the house until I added some makeup. Then when I applied makeup I began feeling more “complete” and “presentable”. I began to be conscious of the contradictions of beauty and an industry that profited off my insecurities. On one hand these tools were supposed to make me feel beautiful but on the other hand they made me feel ugly so I would buy more to feel better.
Although I never really participated in it that much, it was a vicious cycle! So I came to my truth in my mid 20’s that I did not want to wear any of these products if they made me feel trapped or restricted in movement. I developed own little style and presented just a fresher version of my natural face to the world. No doubt lipstick gets me noticed, it puts me in a favorable light, it makes me feel confident but it doesn’t mean that I am stuck in a patriarchal definition of beauty because I am actively choosing what beautification ritual I want to perform. I choose how I reflect my mood. My decision to apply lipstick is not unreflective, I am conscious of the entire industry that profits off my insecurities and the patriarchal influence of how I am encouraged to look. Since there is no essence to being a woman, I created my own by picking lipstick from the 100000000 ideas that are “out there” and guess what? I don’t feel objectified or trapped in my choice because even when I am wearing lipstick, I know that I am so much more than my face and my thoughts and actions reflect that. I am enjoying my subjectivity and objectivity in manner in which I feel is authentic to my being that I have defined.
Do I wish I never saw beauty ads as a child? Yes! Do I wish I was more encouraged to run around and climb trees and get dirty? Yes! Do I wish I never had exposure to any ideas of how my looks could be “enhance?” Yes! Do I wish that these ridiculous standards that made me feel fat every single day of my life would go away? Yes! But I know they are not going anywhere. I also know that I live in a duality as both subject and object, I know I see myself and that I will be soon. Therefore I have an ethical duty to be conscious of this powerful beauty industry working to define me, destroy me and rebuild me in every stage of my life for crazy amounts of profit. I have an ethical duty to pick how I want to define my femininity in light of the male gaze, not judge anyone’s choices, unlearn behaviors that stereotype me and encourage others to do the same while reminding women that we are so much more than how we appear.
Philosophy as Therapy 